Gordon's birthday

Gordon's birthday was a day I was dreading for a while.  I just wanted to make it a special day and remember him and I wanted our angel to know that we love him and miss him and I wanted to stay busy.
So we started out the day going to the cemetery to sing to Gordon and blow him some bubbles.

 Then my husband took the younger two kids to my sister in-law's house and I took the other kids to school.  I dropped off cupcakes for Jamin's and Neil's classes and the principal and vice-principal.  Gordon would be in third grade this year.  I asked them if I could bring cupcakes and read a new story I had written for my kids.  I showed them the book and they decided they would just like me to read the story and not bring cupcakes so that it would be more about the story.  I'll post it on here when all the pictures are completely finished.  So first thing when school started, the third graders came into the library and I read to them.  They were great to read to.  They laughed in all the right places and at the end asked if I would write another story to read to them.  It really brightened my day.
Then I went to pick up Dallin and Tegan and took them to the gym.  I ran 8K on the treadmill(I didn't have time for 8miles) since he would have been 8 this birthday, and worked with my trainer.  Then we picked up some lunch and headed back to my sister in-law's house.  I had a primary meeting.  We talked for a long time and I didn't end up leaving until it was pretty much time to go pick up my kids from school.  I picked up my kids and was at home for a couple minutes to grab the kids swimsuits and work out clothes.  I found flowers, ornaments, and a balloon for Gordon and chocolates and herbal tea for me.  So on the way to the kids lessons, I swung by the cemetery again to bring Gordon his things.
I noticed almost everyone at the cemetery has wreaths for their loved ones, but I thought I would be different and get him a little tree.  It was a bad idea.  I am going to get him a wreath too.  The tree had fallen over.
This is an ornament that my good friends gave me for the tree.  Isn't it beautiful?  I'll put it on the wreath when I get.

 His favourite colour is red, so of course everything is red.  I think there is a rule that I am not suppose to put flowers in the vase this late in the season.  I really need to look into that, but I figured for a few days till I get a wreath, it won't be a big deal.  I saw one other one with flowers in the vase.

Then I took my kids to their squash and swimming lessons at the Winter club.  They always love going there.  Then the kids went to babysitting where the get to go bowling, do crafts, and have dinner.  I watched Matthew play hockey and the Jets game and had an interesting chat with some friends.  

I enjoyed this day and I hope that Gordon enjoyed watching us.  

In two weeks we will have a birthday party for Gordon and remember him with friends and family and enjoy some time doing one of his favourite things, ice skating.

Time Doesn't Stop. We Keep on Moving.

It has been so long since I have posted on here.
I keep wishing time would stop.  Stand still for just a moment, so I can breathe and think.  But it keeps moving, things keep happening.  My kids are growing up.  Big things keep happening.  Life Keeps on moving.
Another birthday...

 My sweet Neil turned 6.

 He is a boy that is full of questions, loves learning, swimming, playing the piano... maybe because he only gets to play on the iPad if he does, and he loves his friends.  Most nights we have long chats before bed.  He is very curious about lots of things.  He often talks about where his brother, Gordon, is, about death, and a million other things.  Some things I wish he didn't have to worry or think about, but it is nice to talk to him and he has a nice way of thinking about things.

And then another birthday...

 My princess Tegan turned 4.

She is a girl who loves everything pink and sparkly.  She loves the water and gymnastics and is learning to play the piano and ice skate.  She is fun to go shopping with and finds cute things and shows them to me, but as long as she isn't tired will happily put it back when I ask.  

She had a girl only pool party at Grandma and Grandpa's(well, with a couple babies and Grandpa dropped by).  It was very sweet.

And they started school again! Preschool, 1st grade, 6th grade.  Jamin is turning into such a great kid.  Such a helper.  He is my right hand, my personal assistant.  

Can't forget this cool little guy.  Officially nursery age now(1 1/2), although he has been going for a long time already.  He loves to play and giggle.  He especially likes when I play 'this little piggy went to market' with his toes.

We went to Disney World!  It was lots of fun.  The best part was having my husband around.  We drove, so we were gone for 3 weeks.  Matthew is super busy when we are at home, so it was nice that he was around.   Going on a safari at Animal Kingdom.    =)

 The wave pool at Typhoon Lagoon was awesome.

 My first time going to Universal studios.  The rides were incredible.  I'd say this park is more enjoyable for older kids, but they did have stations at the end of most lines where one parent can wait with the kids that can't ride and then can get right on when the other parent comes off.  And the kids that can ride get to go twice.  Oh, and definitely spend the 20 dollars extra and bypass all the lines.

 Uncle Ryan flew to hang out with us our second week there.  My kids love their uncle!  This was at Blizzard Beach at Disney World.

 On our way home, we dropped by my parent's home for a couple days and we went to Incredible Pizza!  That place is so fun.

 Then Halloween came.  I am working on another book for this year.  I am totally excited about it.
Gordon is in it too.

Big things keep coming and going.  We still keep having fun and enjoying each other.  There is always one piece missing on all of these big days.  We miss our Gordon.  I enjoy life and try to treasure every moment with my children, but I still need moments to reflect and cry.  Every holiday is difficult.  I imagine it will be easier next year.  We'll see.

Father's Day 2013

For me, Mother's Day was rough this year.  However, Father's day was fantastic.  I enjoyed the day and thought it was perfect.  We started the morning with a yummy breakfast with eggs, pancakes, and cantaloupe.  The boys gave Daddy the gifts they made for him.  Jamin's gift was an owl made with plaster and paint.  It says, "I owl always love you!"  Then Neil's was the feet with a poem.  It went

"Walk a little slower, "

Said a little child so small.

"I'm following in your footsteps, 

And I don't want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast,

Sometimes they're hard to see;

So walk a little slower 

For you are leading me.

Someday when I'm all grown up,

You are what I want to be;

For then I'll have a child

Who'll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right;

And I know that I was true;

So walk a little slower,

For I must follow you."

-Bobbie Norman

Really sweet poem.  I think it is pretty popular at Father's day.  Then I gave DH a razor from all of us.  It is what he asked for.  =)

At church the kids sang "Daddy's Homecoming". It goes, "I'm so glad when daddy comes home, Glad as I can be; Clap my hands and shout for joy, Then climb upon his knee, Put my arms around his neck, Hug him tight like this, Pat his cheeks, then give him what?  A great big kiss."

Then Neil ran up to Daddy and gave him a big kiss. Then the kids gave their Daddy's a bag of chocolate kisses.

 Neil's primary teacher filled out a Father's Day Survey with him.  It was pretty cute.

1. My Dad's favorite thing to do with his time is... everything with my Mommy and my Brothers and Sisters

2. My Dad is gone all day because he is... at work

3. My Dad married my Mom because... he married her in white

4. My Dad's favorite food is... Everything

5. My Dad's favorite toy is... Every toy in the world

6. If my Dad could own any car it would be... grey and black

7. My favourite thing about my Dad is... "D"

8. My Dad is silly because once he... He hugs me in my bed and that's silly.  And mom gives me a snuggle.

9. My Dad's favorite book is... ?

10. My Dad's favorite TV show/movie is... Every movie in the world.

11. My Dad is 99 years old.

 Friday night, the boys went on a Father/Son outing.  It wasn't very long, but they enjoyed it.

They had junk food and got to sleep in tents.   Can't get much better than that... or a camper in our kids case.

 They played capture the flag.  Jamin said he had lots of fun till he had a collision with a big guy.  He forgot that you aren't suppose to run in front of people running at full speed that are 3 times larger than oneself.  He was fine.  No worries.  =)

After the campout the DH and the kids went swimming at Grandma's and Grandpa's house while the girls went and made some pottery.  Jamin locked them all out of the house, but luckily, Matthew had everything he needed and Grandma and Grandpa live close.  It all worked out.

 After church on Father's Day, the kids were being so cute playing Uno while I was making something for the family potluck.  It was adorable.  

 On the way to the family potluck, we dropped by Gordon.  It made us pretty late, but they didn't seem too upset at us.

 There was a cute little family of ducks in the pond. 

Then we had a tasty dinner and talked with family and went home.

Make it a Great Day

The sweetest people I know is an elderly couple at church.  The husband always says, "Make it a great day."  If I say, "Have a great day!"  Then he says, "No, MAKE it a great day."
We all face challenges.  Everyone's challenges are different.  However, it isn't WHAT we go through... it is HOW we go through it.  Let's be honest.  Life stinks sometimes.  Sometimes it can be really crazy hard.
I truly believe that no matter what you go through, happiness is a choice.  No one else can make you happy, but there are some things you can do to help yourself get there.
When I lost Gordon, I really wished there was some kind of rule book... What to do When You See You're 7 Year Old Child Die in a Car Accident.  Complete with a step by step guide on how to react and cope and exactly what to do.  Crazy thing, it doesn't exist.  Because everyone is different.   (If you do know of this book.  I want one!)  We all go through different stuff and it is tough.
The very same day that my Gordon died, there was another tragedy where several little children and adults too were killed in a shooting in Newton, Connecticut.  There was one family that was in the news that lost a little girl named Emilie.  A beautiful little girl that I am sure Gordon immediately became friends with up in heaven.  I felt such a connection to this family.  We lost a young child on the same day.  We are both Mormons.  We both have other young children.  So many similarities, however, I can see what they are going through is quite different.  I can see their strength.  Although I really have no idea since I don't really know them at all.  I just follow their blog (http://theparkerfive.wordpress.com).  Tons of people encourage them and are praying and rooting for them, but lots of people are real jerks to them too saying horrible things.  Being in the public eye brings a whole other element to the mix.  So my point is, even if you have gone through something traumatic, we are different and there are different ways of dealing with things.  I think it is important not to judge others because till you walk in their shoes, you just have no idea.
I have really tried to deal with my loss in a positive way.  I am a work in progress.  I miss that sweet guy.  I still cry and get angry at people in my heart sometimes for not being sensitive and kind to me.  Even people that have no idea what I have been through.  Most people are pretty nice to me, though.
I watched the movie Ramona and Beezus tonight with my little girl and baby since the bigger boys are on a Father/son outing.  Not really a movie that would make you cry. It made me bawl so hard because that Ramona reminded me so much of my Gordon.  I think the longing for him and the hole in my heart will maybe never go away.  But I can still be happy.  I can still enjoy life and be a good Mom to my other children who are still on this Earth and my child in heaven by preserving his memory.  I can still be kind to those around me.  I can still have great days.
How, you might ask?
Well, here it is.

Lisa's five steps to make it a great day.

1. Exercise - at least 3 times a week
    I like to run, but not everyone is able to do that.  Find something you enjoy that moves your body and produces those endorphins.  I sometimes lack the motivation to start running, but once I start and when I am done I feel so good.  It is fantastic.
2. Help someone at least once a day.
   Look around, and be thinking about helping people and it is easy to do.
Service is great therapy.  It gets me all excited when I am able to help someone out.
3. Go outside - get your vitamin D
  I love the sunshine.
4. Talk to people and smile.
  Smiling is contagious.  Spread it around.  =)
 There are a lot of good people and programs out there that can be a support to you.  I meet amazing people all the time.  So many people have been through different things.  Listen to them and share your story as well because we all have a story.
5. Choose to be happy
  Maybe this should be number one.  You won't do any of these things unless you make a choice and give yourself permission to be happy.  Gordon would want me to be happy.  He was a happy guy.

Then when you are being happy, take a picture and record it.  Remember those happy times.

Visiting Gordon

What do you do on a Sunday afternoon?  

We went to visit Gordon.  

My kids have been very interested in going lately.

 They have a sweet little bridge and pond close to where he is buried.

This is a different day.

 Neil kept telling Tegan not to step on Gordon.  

So, of course, being a three year old, she had to test it.

 It will still be a couple more months before the bronze plate marking the grave will be completed.  

Last week we went to see what it will look like.

It is going to be beautiful.  Matthew, Gordon and I are sharing one and our pictures will be engraved into it.  They were able to incorporate many pictures that were meaningful to us.

 It has been six months since the accident.  I cannot believe how the time flies.  

Six months since I have held him.

Six months since I have talked to him.

Six months months since I kissed the small scrape on his head.

He said he fell at school.  I asked if he would like a band-aid and he said he was fine.  He was so tough.  I gave him a kiss.  We looked at the Mario book I wrote for my kids.  I just got it in the mail the day before.  We were all so excited about it.  I fed him dinner.  We had spaghetti and meatballs.  He ate lots of food.  Grandma came to watch the other kids.  We left for music class...

and then the accident.

The things I miss most are his hugs, his laugh, and getting to know everyone anywhere we went.  He was so friendly, so full of life.  

I love you Gordon.  We miss you.

I am thankful for the videos and pictures I have to help me remember.

Cake Smash!

 Our sweet baby turned 1!  So I decided I wanted to do a cake smash!  I have been looking forward to this for weeks.  I had to cancel my first appointment due to sickness.  We had a few bad viruses go around our house.  

 Dallin got very excited when he first saw the cake.  He wanted to go at it right away, though.

 But first I needed to change his outfit.

 Oh, I'm sorry.  Did you want some?